Responding to centuries of insecure otherworldly communications, Edinburgh-based startup ArcaneTech Connect today launched its groundbreaking Virtual Private Magic Network (VPMN™) service. This revolutionary technology provides end-to-aether encrypted channels specifically designed to protect sensitive dialogue, pact negotiations, and power transmissions between Warlocks and their designated otherworldly Patrons.
For too long, practitioners of the arcane arts have faced risks inherent in open-channel communication across the planes. Issues such as psychic eavesdropping by rival cultists, malicious interference from meddlesome celestials, planar packet sniffing by curious imps, and embarrassing accidental cross-talk during demonic summoning have plagued the Warlock community.
“Unsecured Patron lines are simply untenable in the modern aeon,” stated Morag Shadowalker, Chief Thaumaturgical Officer at ArcaneTech Connect. “Why risk your soul bargains on an open frequency? Our VPMN™ employs proprietary Astral Tunneling via Quantum Entanglement (ATQE™) protocols, wrapped in the Thaumaturgic Encryption Standard 256-sigil (TES-256). It effectively masks the user’s Material Plane Resonance Signature and obfuscates the Patron’s endpoint, whether they reside in the Nine Hells, the Feywild, the Far Realm, or beyond.”
Key features of the VPMN™ service include:
- Anti-Scrying Measures: Prevents unauthorized magical surveillance from Paladins, Clerics, and nosy Archmages.
- Imp-enetrable Firewall: Blocks unwanted demonic spam, soul-phishing attempts, and offers customizable filters for lesser entity contact requests.
- Stable Planar Connect™: Reduces jitter and lag during communication across chaotic or shifting planes, ensuring clear reception of eldritch commands and boons.
- Pact Packet Integrity: Guarantees that contractual obligations and power transfers arrive uncorrupted and without ‘Man-in-the-Mirror’ modifications.
- Optional Amnesia Cache: For Warlocks requiring plausible deniability, this feature temporarily obscures recent Patron interactions from forensic divination (requires additional soul-fragment subscription).
“Before VPMN™, my weekly sync with the Great Old One was constantly interrupted by githyanki trying to sell me extended star-spawn warranties,” commented satisfied beta-tester, ‘Barry the Bold’ from Leith. “Now, our non-Euclidean exchanges are crystal clear and utterly private. It’s revolutionised my existential dread management!”
ArcaneTech Connect offers tiered subscription plans, including FiendNet Basic, Feywild Fiber, and Great Old One Unlimited, payable via standard currency, rare spell components, or binding oaths. A free 7-day trial is available, requiring only a minor blood sacrifice (ethically sourced, terms and conditions apply).
About ArcaneTech Connect:
Founded on a dark and stormy night in an undisclosed Edinburgh close, ArcaneTech Connect leverages cutting-edge technomancy to provide magical solutions for the modern esoteric professional. Our motto: “Connecting You to Power, Privately.”
Contact:
Planar Relations Department
ArcaneTech Connect
(Responses may be subject to temporal anomalies)
Disclaimer: Happy April Fools’ Day! ArcaneTech Connect and VPMN™ are fictional services.
Please do not attempt to contact otherworldly patrons without appropriate wards and safety precautions. Geek Native accepts no responsibility for soul-loss, demonic possession, or unexpected tentacles resulting from unsecured arcane communications.
Image credit: Kellepics.
