Gamers offer tips to player whose DM started to date someone else in the group

I noticed this tale of frustration on Reddit a few weeks back, and it’s grown since then.

It’s not an unfamiliar tale; a DM starts to date a player, which is fine but then seems to isolate another player—perhaps even subconsciously bullying.

Reddit user Snow the 4th Man, explains;

DM started dating one of the players. DM then starts regularly being mean to me during our sessions. I believe he’s doing this because he perceives me as the only “romantic threat,” in the group (I couldn’t care less, I’m just there to play DnD). His aggression is only targeted towards me, and never at the other players.

Snow says he has talked to the DM about it. Actually, Snow says “confront” but notes that the DM may be unware that they’re doing it.

Snow turns to Reddit as he’s no longer having fun, wants to bow out, and is looking for advice on gracefully doing it.

What would you say?

Reddit’s not that gentle about it! The top comment from Technojelly_fish is,

“Hey you’re being mean to me and I’m not having fun anymore”
The drama is being created by the DM. If your friends are worth hanging around they’ll understand.

However, it’s a response to that frontal attack, one from stormscape10x, which has landed the plaudits. Stormscape says;

I would recommend one small change to how you phrase it, but you’re exactly right. If you’ve been friends for a while and been playing for a year then I think they could look at this objectively if you don’t come to them antagonistically.

It’s why I would recommend saying, “Hey, I don’t know if you’re doing this on purpose, but you’re being mean to me in the game. You’ve done X, Y, and Z things during these games compared to the other players that never who never get treated differently. I’m not having fun anymore. Can we address this, or should I just leave?”

Doesn’t Stormscape sound wise? It turns out that, according to Shamlord651, this is a technique the experts use.

This is pretty much what therapists practice and teach these days.

Using “I” statements can’t be logically argued with. A simple “I don’t feel happy in this group” or “I no longer have trust that the DM will treat me fairly” prevents people from looking for justifications or excuses. People can’t really disagree or argue against your own subjectivity (which if they do it’s a gaslighting red flag).

It certainly takes a certain psychological awareness, and good for your elementary teacher for teaching the basics of conflict resolution!

However, hundreds of people agreed with Jeremy-o, who points out that no explanation is required. Jeremy suggests;

Just straight up say you need an extended break because you’re not enjoying it. Don’t overcomplicate. You don’t owe anyone a reason, and the true reason won’t help. Nobody’s going to press you to stay if you truthfully say you’re not having fun.

We even had insight from a player in a group that the DM is dating and how the couple handled the situation. Monochrome_Falcon noted;

So as the girl my DM(obviously not OPs DM) is dating, we had a very clear conversation about the fact that he’s a DM first and my BF second as soon as the dice start rolling. If he pulled this shit and it came to my attention I’d 100% call his ass out.

Ignoring the feminist rant of not being some possession to protect to get to the real issue: it’s bad form for a DM to bring outside relationships into a setting like this. Because I fully bet that if he’s willing to be a dick to OP, he’s also probably willing to go out of his way to protect or favor his girls character.

I have no idea what this girl is like but if you feel like your not getting through to him, I can bet she can. I get not wanting to dip on a year long campaign and the hassle of finding a new group and if she’s a legitimate member of the party she has a real stake in keeping you around.

Obviously she could be totally into it and not give a fuck, in which case fuck them.

Paranoidpagenparent in a similar situation said;

Also a girl who’s in a relationship with my DM (married). I actually think an idea would be to bring it up to her, the girlfriend, women pick up on subtle stuff a lot better than men do sometimes, if you’re close with everyone in the party I’d say try asking her about it. I can understand how this could possibly lead to drama, which would be the opposite of what you’d want but if you’re planning on leaving anyways then what would be that harm in just asking.

‘Hey (girl), I have noticed that I have been being treated differently than the rest of the party by (DM) recently. Have you noticed any behavioral change as well? If so would you mind talking to him about not (for lack of better wording currently) using favoritism during games?’

Or pose it like ‘Hey did you notice (DM) did x, y, z the last few sessions as apposed to a, b, c with other players?’ to avoid the gossip train that could spiral out, if she’s that kinda gal, from the previous statement.

If she doesn’t notice a difference, pull DM aside after a session, if you have any examples from that session perfect, also as others have stated, use ‘I’ language and use it properly. Try not to blame DM, even though it is stemming from his behavior, if all else fails just say that you’re not enjoying playing at the moment and you need a break, possibly to drop altogether but to be determined. That way it doesn’t feel like there is any blame placed on anyone. If anyone poses questioning just tell them you weren’t enjoying this campaign anymore, and that you just didn’t feel like playing it. Be honest but probably word it so you avoid any dramatic consequences or infighting of the remaining players, it would suck for everyone to end up quitting for picking sides, gossip, etc.

This might be one of those situations where you have to give as little details as possible and just kinda deal with it, for lack of better wording.

This blogger is leaning towards the no explanations camp and keeping it short, sweet and non-hostile. I’d probably just say it’s been fun, but I want to move on to other things.

Original Reddit thread.