Big Dragon House, I’m gonna keep on watchin’ at the Big Dragon House, I’m gonna keep on watchin’ down in Big Westeros, I’m gonna keep on watchin’ at the Big Dragon House, Big Dragon House, yeah…
I will keep on watching House of the Dragon, for it is my curse. We all know it isn’t going to end well (NO SPOILERS). HOWEVER, we seem to have reached a point in season three where maybe things could go in a different way… a non-canonical, nonsensical, Bronwen Dreamland way. It could happen.
This is likely my last chance to create something very silly in my head and Make it So, much like I’ve done with Picard’s Nexus Fantasy Theory – and yes, I’m going to damn well take it.
Rhaenyra Targaryen helps restore the Kingdom with roasted rat fast food joints
Roasted rat might not be for everyone, but for those who want a satisfying, quick and tasty snack, it actually proves quite popular with the addition of special BigRat Sauce. This is actually becomes the Kingdom’s saving grace, eliminating hunger and discontent amongst the poor, and allowing the royal coffers to take a breath whilst everyone else swears fealty to the rightful Queen of Westeros.
This also allows the queen some breathing space to grieve for her lost sons, and she goes out on pleasure rides with her beautiful dragon, Syrax.
Alicent Hightower runs away to the woods and starts a wellness retreat
We all know Alicent was her best self in the damn woods, and swimming in lakes without the unwanted addition of men who only ever led to traumatising or unsatisfactory experiences. Alicent has more to offer, and so she begins a female-run wellness retreat for women who also want to recover in nature, and swim naked in lakes. It’s wonderful. She becomes the Alicent she was always supposed to be.
Helaena Targaryen gets to live peacefully with her chickens
Helaena has already expressed that she would like to keep chickens. She takes over a farm a short distance away from her mother’s female-led wellness retreat, and happily supplies eggs and other nice things to the women.
She also takes the time to listen to some of these troubled women, and begins not only advising them, but reading their futures through Moon Tea leaves – earning herself the nickname of The White Witch.
Only ever doing good, and having a peaceful, happy life with her chickens and her surviving children, Jaehaera and Maelor, who help tend to the animals and sell wares to city merchants.
Vhagar flies west of Westeros and gets to retire, whilst treated as a queen
Ah, Vhagar; the dragon I’ve come to lovingly call ‘Vinegar’. This dragon has been through so, so much, and she knows it. Oh yes, she knows it. She’s had enough of these humans and their sh*t. Vinegar takes herself far, far away from all of the chaos, and flies West of Westeros, where she comes across a peaceful land where she is worshipped as the queen she is.
For the rest of her days, Vinegar is served goat, bison and sheep galore. She flies only for pleasure, and takes long naps, where she dreams of past human riders, her children, her mother and father, and every dragon she ever bonded with. She’s a free dragon now.
Daemon Targaryen sees the error of his ways and makes amends
Daemon Targaryen has always had it in him to be a good man. He loves his wife, he just… failed epically when it came to not murdering his previous one. And respecting other women. He’s probably failed quite a bit at the whole respect thing – AND SO! Overcome with guilt, Daemon Targaryen uses some of his own wealth to donate to Alicent’s wellness centre. And he spends the rest of his days being the best damn husband he can ever be to Queen Rhaenyra, and the best rider to his dragon, Caraxes.
Aemond Targaryen is put in charge of brothels, advocates for sex workers’ rights and gets lots of hugs
Aemond Targaryen no longer gives a f*ck about becoming king. He let Vinegar go, no longer has a dragon to ride, and no longer cares about any of it. He becomes an advocate for sex workers, ensures the best possible working conditions by taking over the biggest brothels in the city, and helps traumatised women escape to the wellness and counselling retreat ran by his mother and his sister.
Aegon Targaryen fakes his own death and opens his own rat fast food joint in Pentos
Aegon Targaryen doesn’t have an original creative thought in his burnt bonce, and will never live down the embarrassment of previous events – and so, he fakes his own death to escape and start anew.
He swaps his royal armour for a sailor’s tunic, assumes the alias ‘Egg the Unbothered’, and opens a surprisingly successful rival roasted rat restaurant in Pentos using his surviving dragon, Sunfyre, as a giant, perpetually warm rotisserie oven.
His own version of BigRat sauce isn’t as nice, but he does use it to make messy ‘animal style’ fries with it.
In conclusion…
If you’ve read this far, then thanks for sticking with it. I’ve provided this emergency fantasy solution which you can retreat to in solace, once things start really kicking off (most likely on Sunday) on NowTV.
Big Dragon House, I’m gonna keep on watchin’ at the Big Dragon House, I’m gonna keep on watchin’ down in Big Westeros, I’m gonna keep on watchin’ at the Big Dragon House, Big Dragon House, yeah…
What do you think of my alternate House of the Dragon character fates? Was this worth your time? Do you have any other character fates you’d like me to include? Comment below.
