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Some of the famous last words began “true story” – what’s with that? Surely none of these user generated contributions were made up? Heh. Ahem.
|Famous Last Words:||Contributor:|
I wonder what happens if I cast “Death”
Kyle of Hyrule
“I think I’ll kick the dragon on the balls.”
“Can I eat this green slime?”
Donka the Donk
Well… How many orcs are IN this bar?
Where’d everybody go?
Look the dragon is sleeping, we can just sneak in grab the gold and sneak out. Whats the problem?
“I challenge the drow ranger to a duel!”
(looking at a great red wyrm plymorphed into a cat.)PC1:”I wouldn’t touch that cat, my divination spell says its some sorta dragon.”
PC2 “Nonsense it’s only a cute little cat, i pet it.”
I’m sorry guys, i did not mean to set the tarrasque on you……
The Supreme One
Sorcerer with rat familiar:
What do you mean I can’t dodge something I can’t see ?
What? Oh shit, I’m wearing a necklace of magic missiles……..
Don’t worry guys, you go save the artifact from destruction, I’ll take care of the necromancer.
The King arranges a boat for your secret trip (to find information about the location of a hobgoblin sword of a ancient king) and makes sure a caravan is waiting for you at the end of your boat trip.
What do you do?
Make the trip as planned says the Paladin.
I didn’t know Tarresques could cast spells
“What do you mean you ‘decided to save a few bucks with a generic brand’?”
PC1: No, no, the one that wants to kill you is him! (Points PC2)
DM- You find yourself in front of a huge iron door padlocked with a chain.
PC1- I attempt to pick the lock.
DM- Your pick lock failed.
PC2- Maybe we should try and melt the chain and padlock… A good fireball would work quite nicely.
DM: “You’ve stumbled upon a nest of giant porcupines who look rather protective of their territory.”
PC1: “I’m backing away slowly…”
PC2: “Aw, porcupines…how cute. I’m petting one.”
PC1: “You’re petting a giant porcupine?!?”
PC2: “Giant?!? Aw, crap.”
GM: You are in a dark room, but off in the distance you see a light.
PC1: I walk towards the light.
PC2: Wow, quickest death ever.
PC: What!? Mages can’t wear armor!
PC1:I use my Meditate ability to try and count how many there are…
DM(whispering): You hear about thirty, probably more.
PC2 and PC3: What do you hear?
PC1: It’s been good knowing you guys…
All That Jaz
Alright, I walk up to the door, knock, and say, “Pizza!” really loud…what happens?
All That Jaz
(of the ancient red-dragon) hmmm, there is only twenty five of you adventurers…..
GM: Through the open door is a room with buckets all over the floor. The guard inside has spotted you, and is coming towards you.
PC: Hmm, just for fun I’ll cast quake and let the falling debris kill him.
The terrible five-headed beast known as Jundar’s Pet emerges from the wall and asks us: “Why have you come to this place?”
PC1: “We’re here to kill Jundar.”
Everyone else: “#!$^!#$%#$!!”
But you can’t leave the group! We need someone to heal the rest of us!
GM: Picks up PC 1’s model and places it behind DM’s screen
PC1:ok i’m jumping in after him. GM: so what do you do. PC1: I tie a rope on the halfling and jump.
GM – “You see nothing.”
PC – “I walk in then…”
Gm – “It hit you for 72dmg.”
“Oooooh! Its Shiny… Well i take it then, Im a Rouge what else could i do?”
DM:The Arcane Archer lifts her head up from the bow she is wielding and walks over to you.
ArcArcher:Good Day to you! Interested in buying something?
PC:Are you single?
Dm: Alright, so in a last ditch effort, the mage casts fireball at his feet. (rolls damage) So the flames fill the small room quickly, and burst out into the hallway. Everyone roll Reflex.
PC1: Damn, the halfling failed. How much damage?
DM: 15 damage.
PC1: (turns to PC2) Dude! You forgot to heal Adam’s character! You left him at 1 hp!
PC2: Oh…well, goodbye halfling thief!
I run away…
You twit! Didn’t you know, I knew, that she knew, that he knew that he didn’t know?!
“Hey it was only a mild dose of poison ivy… Surely cod pieces don’t cost that much to replace…”
A good wizard *never* leaves his spellbook at home.
I’m lost in this damn snowy mountain…I’ll use the horn..someone must hear this
Let’s just give Sauron what he wants and we’ll be on our way, richer than we could ever imagine…
“I wonder how you summon up one of those?”
“Everything’s under control”
(PC1) Okay. Would one of you boneheads care to explain why those octopus headed things are so angry with us?
(PC’s 2 & 3 pointing at each other) He did it!
(PC) I cast Summon Balrog!
(PC) I CAST SUMMON BALROG
I Sneak Attack the leech.
DM: The giants are leaving and don’t see you.
Kyp: Let’s attack.
DM: Half your party is incapacitated.
Kyp and Damon: So? We yell
‘WOO!’ and charge.
what’s this on my face? your kidding right?!?
Well, nothing more can happen to me.
Come on guys we are like 1st level guys, that can’t be a Lich.
DM- You come running out of the temple with the precious Ahmen Stone you stole from the temple clutched in your arms. You see about 20 archers standing along the town wall, waiting for you to get within range.
PC1- If I want the longsword+3 I must get the Stone back to it’s rightful owner. I keep running.
DM- What about the archers?
PC1- Im not worried about them, Im wearing Full Plate Mail.
DM- You mean that full plate that you used to keep open the crushing walls in the temple with?
Me: I do a Sense Surface Thoughts on the one in the middle.
DM: “Blood Kill Blood Kill Blood Kill Blood Guinness Blood Kill Blood Kill They’re looking at me Blood Kill Blood…”
PC2: I bump one and see if he wants to step outside about it.
“I’m alive! Really, it’s okay, I’m – Oh, crap… Nevermind…”
Uhmmm, you did not tell me a “hide from undead” potion only works on undead with an intelligence less then 10………How much intelligence did that Vampire have????
DM: How many dice do we have here?
PC: er *counts* 16, why?
DM: Do me a favour, run down to the shops and pick some more up.
“It’s one Drow, and we’re two other powerful supernatural creatures. What’s the big deal?”
PC1: We didn’t die this time!
PC2: Wait for it…
GM: The lava is advancing fast! It will burn you all in 2 rounds!
PC1: Get your hook and rope and throw it to the other side!
PC2: I’ll do it.
GM: No you won’t, because you don’t have one.
PC2: Of course I have, it is written HERE, on my character record sheet.
“Backpack: bread, torch, oil, ROPE, HOOK,…”
GM: Okay… so, tell me. WHERE is your backpack right now ???
“I can only fail on a 1.”
“I open the door that is slightly ajar to make it ajar, I pick up the jar and put it into my backpack AHAHAHAHAHAH hehehhehehe *giggle*
Yes, My reflect spell stays up even against Lvl 5 Deaths
Kyle of Hyrule
Don’t worry i know the guy, he was at my aunts friends funeral or something….
“Under this tree we’ll be safe from the lightning”
True story: Ford Maverick, recently discharged psychopathic Master Armsman, has just lost three of his only four friends to enemy action, and has been having a bad day in the New Hong Kong Space Station: taxed for breathing the local air, and for walking on the sidewalks, he sought a lift on a derelict spaceship that some PCs were planning on buying at a bargain price. The ship was haunted and was swarming bu thousands of rats which swarmed all over rodent-phobic Ford and tore his best armor to ribbons … just before he was explosively decompressed out an airlock by someone trying to get rid of the rats. Returning to the station by Newtonian Physics (firing off precious rounds from his sidearm to propel himself back), he finally scores a ticket to go off-station and is waiting, scowling, in the passenger lounge, his favorite weapon, a MK IV Heavy Blaster (a multi-barelled fusion grenade launcher) is leaning on his shoulder.
He is trying to meditate away the traumatic memory of the rat swarm when: …
PC1: “Whoah, looks like you ran into trouble! Station Police?”
FORD: “No, rats.”
PC1 (laughing loudly): “Rats? You’re wearing armor like that and armed like that and RATS tore you up?”
FORD (seething): “I’d rather not talk about it.”
PC1: “I wouldn’t either if I had been chewed up by rats. Hey, everybody, this Marine had his armor chewed through by rats!”
PC2 (concerned): “I think you’re upsetting him.”
PC1: “Hey, he’s a tough guy. How many rats were there, hunh?”
FORD (gritting teeth, eyes glazing, lowering his blast rifle): “STOP F*%KING WITH MY REALITY!”
PC2 (to PC1): “I think he’s serious. You should leave him alone.”
PC1: “Why, what’s he gonna do, fire that thing indoors at me at point-blank range? Hey, Rat Boy….”
The rest of the sentence was lost in the roar of an explosion of a gooey pink mist and in flying fragments of reinforced concrete. No one ever mentioned rats to Ford again, for some reason.
Your heart is colder than the icicle I shall now stab you with, and all evidence of my crime will melt away.
“He didn’t need that heart anyway! Hey.. Isn’t that the girl that was with him.. Wonder what she’s gonna do with that knife.. Hey Bob, you have any beef?”
WOOHOO! we finally leveled up! now we can go look for that mage who was taunting us…
PC1: Think we can take them?
PC2: Yeah, no sweat.
The Beer Monster
Ah, who, me? Affraid of you?! I am a vampire!
Hey, it’s a drow priestess! Ahh! A spider *squashes spider*
Alright we’ve got you out gunned, out manned, and out cla… Say ther sure are a lot of you little bastards!
(walking through a dank dungeon passage)
PC to henchman in back: I hope I wasn’t too hard on you old chap.
Player: I take your silence to mean you understand.
Archais Von Drago
NPC Paladin: Convert or Die!
Mr. Dinky: No Way !
” im gonna jump down this dark hole…”
DM: *evil laugh* you’ll never kill this…
PC1: I can enlarge on myself, then enlarge on all of my dwarven axes, then I throw teh axes at it.
Gm: They shoot
I have missle shield
Gm: it hits
What? caster weapons? disspell magic? that seems hardly fair.
YA right my image steps out of the mirror and attacks me.
“What the devil?”
“No way! This has got to be an Illussion.”
I kick him in the face, stumble out of the cellar, drink my potion of invicibility and run out the front door……….
Uuhmmmmm…… no I don’t
I search the dead body.
Waddya mean, the ring won’t come off?!
I’m sure the Innkeepers broth is just fine…
Looks like I win again.
I’LL PARRY THIS MISSILE!!
WELL YOU CAN’T EAT OUT f***ING HORSES!! (level 10 elf to a dragon…guess what happened?)
*THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE GAMING STORY*
PC: All we’re asking is that you let us take the lady back to the jail and then you can break her out again…
Thief Guild Leader: Why would I put my own WIFE back in there???
PC: Oh crap.
Noted psychopathic Master Armsman Ford Maverick has been rendered temporarily unfit for duty becuase along with a small computer chip to insure his efficiency, The Company has implanted a small explosive in his brain to insure his loyalty.
Noted war criminal and enemy of humanity Dr. Jackie Payne has begun the delicate procedure of extracting the bomb while their ship is under attack by enemy invaders. It is a dicey operation and Ford, a demolitions expert, must remain conscious, as is the custom for open brain surgery. He inquires of the doctor’s progress…?
DR. PAYNE: “It’s almost. … Oops!”
“Don’t worry; she’s probably not that good looking anyway. Well, let’s just see what her charisma is…”
He stole our money…he’s justt an innkeeper.
Wow, look at these new dice I just bought!!! They’ve been rolling great all day!!! Check it out!!! *rolls a 1*
Okay, that’s it… lemme borrow your dice.
WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT!!!
Huh? Giant Wyverns?? Where does the DM think we are, the SwordCoast or something???
Hold’em off, I’ll be back with help….
It’s only three Balrogs …… Why are you all running away?
“That house is moving…”
“That’s no house my friend!”
Pc 1 : So there’s a island in the middle of the river with a town on it where this guy we are supposed to pay a visit lives. But the town is under siege, and on the other bank there’s a goblin army.
DM : Yes, but it looks more like that the besiegers of the town are trying to keep something in the town, rather then that they are trying to drive them out!
Pc 1: Okay then we will charge the gates of the town, open them to keep the besiegers busy and then provoke the Goblin chief so he will attack the island. This will keep the town people, besiegers and goblins busy while we go into the town to pay this guy a visit!
Other Pc’s : Sounds like a solid plan
WOW! I never knew the drow made such good teee…
P1: Balrog? Whats a Balrog?
P2: All you need to know is that it is big and scary and you run form it.
P1: Oh? Okay….
So, what’s the blast radius for this nuclear hand grenade?
PC 1: “Everybody knows that Imperial technology is superior to Ork.”
GM: “And Elder technology is superior to Imperial.”
PC 2: “Why is that important?”
GM: “A warpgate is opening behind you.”
“I’m going to burn down those freaking druids’ forest.”
PC: “why are you running?”
Compulsive lier: “I thought I’d get some more excerise”
(PC to DM)”You mean you weren’t joking?!”
Lord of Angmar
“White hair…HA stupid albinos…”
“I attack the bear.”
“I’m trying to pull up some water but the bucket is stuck on something! Wait I can almost reach it…holdon… I think I can grab it…”
Okay, I’m from incapacitated to…mauled.
Lawful Evil Monk – “I punch her in the face and yell TAG!”
PC:FEAR ME!! I AM A LVL 3 WIZARD!!
DM:Errrr…. thats a level 50 demon…
Demon:Eheheh -Pokes PC-
Die scum! Fireball!
“You know… Monkies don’t like it when you eat their food… Uh oh… RUN!!”
DM: 5% chance of decapitation.
Claude the Changeling: Like I said, I backflip out of the bath, over my assailant’s head.
(Spacemaster) “What does the Antimatter containment button do?”
Kaz: Stay away or you’ll get hurt.
Player: But thats my sword and I’m here to take it back. Now gimme’.
“What the hell is an ‘Anti-Wish’?”
Not really last words here just words of caution: When fighting a dragon, make sure any and all haflings are out from under it before you kill it…..*squish*